Journal: Survivor

I could survive it
Because that’s what I do.
I’ve done it before
And I can do it again.

But I don’t want to.
I don’t want to be the survivor.
I don’t want to be that person.
I don’t want that pain again.

I’d rather let it destroy me.
Defeat me.
Stop me.
End me.

But I don’t know how.
I don’t know how to be
Anything other than what I am.
And I am a survivor.

Last night I watched the last 3 episodes of the current season of Grey’s Anatomy. It triggered some stuff for me and I had a bit of a cry.  Sometimes when I cry my thoughts turn into phrases that I hear in my head, and sometimes those phrases start stringing together until I hear the beginning of a poem or a blog post. When that happens I feel compelled to write it down and finish it. This time it was the poem above, Survivor. If you want to know more about the origin and meaning behind the poem, let me know. For now I’m not going to go there, because it would involve spoilers from the season finale.

I use highly emotional shows like Grey’s Anatomy as a form of self-therapy. The storylines trigger stuff and help me to process and work through my various issues. Sometimes the connection is obvious and sometimes it’s unexpected. It’s only been the last couple years that I’ve been aware that I use them for self-therapy and not just for entertainment. They are not happy shows. I usually feel sad after watching even if nothing was triggered. When I examined why I watch these dramas, I realized it was for the impact they have on me.

I think they are good for me. They spark realizations and understandings and new perspectives. It is part of how I mourn. It is part of how I deal with my pain. They give me a regular opportunity to face it and process it. I may walk away feeling sad, but feel I am better off overall for having watched these shows.

Amy :)

Do you use tv shows to help face and process your emotional pain?

A Note to Friends & Family of Those with an Invisible (or Physical) Disability

In the last year two people in my life have temporarily experienced what it is like to live with my invisible disabilities. With one it brought us closer, but with the other it pulled us apart. How you react to such an experience can either help or hurt your relationship with someone like me. If you are friend or family to someone with an invisible (or physical) disability, please read this and take it to heart.

Journal: I Wish

On days like today I wish I could just pick up the phone and call someone to come help me get clean, get meals, etc. I know there are services out there, but my embarrassment and shame and denial keep me from researching whether I qualify and can afford it.