Last Thursday I was adding some new social media goodies to this site and testing out the comment system when both this site and LuvCherie Jewelry went down. I sent a support ticket to my web host and later that night found out that I had actually gotten blocked from my own website! In testing comment registration, I triggered a security feature that limits logins to prevent bot attacks. Doh! At least for the rest of the world, the sites were working fine.
I really needed to write here last Thursday because my endocrinologist had called the afternoon before with news. When I couldn’t share here, I shared the following with a couple friends on Facebook for support:
“I got a call from my doc yesterday with my ultrasound results. The nodule on my thyroid has gotten bigger and needs to be removed. In the last 2 years it’s grown 0.8 cm vs. the two previous years where it grew 0.3 cm. Apparently, 3.6 cm is over the line for leaving it be. It’s most likely benign, but they won’t know for sure until they do a biopsy afterwards. There’s a specific surgeon he wants me to see that is supposedly really good, so I’m hoping she’s on my insurance. So, yay, surgery.
I haven’t had surgery since my body became how it is (I was 7), but I know how it has reacted to the minor procedures and more invasive diagnostics tests I’ve had done. Those can wipe me out for a week or two, so I’m basically expecting to be out for a couple months minimum. That means no school, virtually no work, and losing the progress I’ve made physically. I’ve finally been on an upswing and making progress and now I’m gonna have to start all over. It takes months to regain traction on Etsy (my online sales still haven’t recovered), and it took 5 months to get where I am since my last health valley (which lasted 6 months). I’ve basically worked the last year to get where I am with my health and business and now I’ll have to start all over again. I’m also afraid that I will gain even more weight being laid up again. Pain, fatigue, and boredom all increase my food cravings (which are extremely hard to resist in that state) and I’ll have virtually no physical activity…again. I gained 15lbs over the last year and I am just now physically good enough to start working on losing it (I’ve actually lost 1.5lbs in the last two weeks). My health and my emotions can’t afford another 15lbs.
Between the emotional impact of future surgery and running across a new-to-me person who is doing the work I want to do (same market & materials, but their design esthetic vs. mine), I got very discouraged last night about the future of my business and my work situation. I don’t know how I’m ever going to be able to grow my business when every few months my health tanks or something comes up and I have to start over again. I honestly don’t know if my jewelry business is workable in my situation, but I don’t know if anything else would work better. Working for someone else isn’t an option and to not work at all makes me feel like a wasted, useless, lump. I’ve done the not working thing and it’s not good for me. I need to have something to do. I have so much drive and desire and I just can’t do anything about it. It’s so frustrating! I feel like I’m just spinning my wheels all the time, constantly having to start over from scratch. My only option is to keep moving forward, to keep trying to find or figure out something that works. I’m just so tired of always struggling, always fighting for absolutely everything.
I’m hoping to be able to schedule the surgery within a couple weeks of the end of the quarter (with ideally a week off in between to try and de-stress). Then, I’d take summer quarter off and hope that I can go back in the fall (but winter is more likely). I’m worried that it will impact the two shows I have planned (October – applied, March – confirmed) if I can’t get in right away, but I don’t think it can wait until after next March. I’m worried and scared and frustrated and tired and feel like crying some more. I just got to a good place again and I’m gonna have to start all over. 🙁 “
Emotionally, I’m doing better now thanks to the support of my awesome family and friends. My massage therapist pointed out that at least the surgery is happening while my health is at a peak, instead of in a valley where it would be much harder to recover. That was the first little nugget of positive about this surgery and I held on to it like a life saver. It kept me afloat until I was able to climb out of that sea of discouragement. Now I’m working to find all the bits of positive in this surgery, so I can stay on dry land.
Unless something major comes up that I need to share, this will be my only post this week. I’m presenting my last speech this Thursday and all of my assignments for my music theory class are due next Monday. With just a couple weeks left in the quarter, I have to focus most of my energy on school. Please don’t take this to mean that you aren’t important to me. Sharing with you here is one of my highest priorities, but deadlines have to take precedence. I’ll see you again in a few days!
How have you handled the impact of surgery on your business? Does your health sometime make you discouraged about the future of your business? Please leave a comment below or send me an email.